今年沒有去backpack，因為計劃中，這個夏天，正是新兵在魁北克省進行三個月封閉部隊訓練的時候。如各項目審核及格，我原本亦會是其中一員。
後來一通橫來的亞洲小姐試鏡電話，簽字當軍的筆又被擱下了。這個決定，似乎令家人也失望不少，說實話，也令我自己失望不少。渴望做個職業軍人，懷念小時候來自軍營訓練的快感，心裡深藏著無法形容的艱苦和意志。好想好想去當軍，煉就那份魄力，就像撲火的蛾，義無返顧地執著，人生需要的執著。
還是渴望，終有一日，可以達成職業軍人的夢想。
還要有多少不得釋懷的春秋？
September 2nd, 2010 § 0
一道柏林圍牆，多少人因越軌而被害，1989年圍牆正式砌倒，人們卻沒了當初想越牆的慾望。還以為自己釋懷了不少，但被當勾起慘痛回憶的時候，我再也掩飾不下去。你們真厲害，若無其事地還真讓我難過。
我知道我曾經很愉快過，19歲的那年。那時的笑，洋溢着幸福感，沒有絲毫的面具，我此生從未那樣笑眯眯地自信過。也正是因為曾經那樣開心過，事後「轟」地一聲掉下來，從天堂到地獄般，雖然間中也短暫地笑過，但終究不敵「高潮」過後剩餘的空虛。寂靜得可怕。
近兩年的不愉快，甚至令我懷疑當初的決定。為了「道德」，我失去了好多好多，我恨它。
愛一次，殘了好多，這麼多春秋了，還不得釋懷。因為尋找不回當初的笑容，不曉得是我虐待着日子，還是日子虐待着我。我恨我們曾經愛得那樣深。
今天，那道牆不再有了，我還記得嗎？你還記得嗎？
My Bailey bottle, free me.
September 1st, 2010 § 0
Drink it (with ice), stuff it (with $50 bills of every $300 I make), smash it (when poopoo happens and I want a trip to Amsterdam).
I had recently let go some fake needs and started taking up Bartending School, gotta find some cash, gotta find some life. Our lives are filled with things we need to do. Until we look a little more closely at those needs.
I don’t need to own a nice car, I don’t need Tiffany, I don’t need to answer all my phone calls, I don’t need to check my e-mails every 15 minutes, I don’t need to dress in the latest fashions, in fact, I have not shopped for clothing for over 12 months. These needs, they are completely made up.
Frankly, I don’t think I even need to create a list of goals in life. It’s not like something bad will happen if I don’t achieve most of them.
My made-up needs can be eliminated, all it takes is the willingness to let go. Ask yourself why it’s such an important need. Ask what would happen if you dropped them. What good would it do? Would you have more free time and more space to concentrate and create, or less stress and fewer things to check off each day? What bad things might happen? And how likely is it that these things would happen?
These needs are created by fears, and I am honest about my fears.
It feels good to let go, and by letting go, I am freeing myself.
Single, and Beautiful.
August 30th, 2010 § 1
I celebrate myself, and sing myself. Single, and not looking, please. When I am unable to find tranquility within myself, it is useless to seek it elsewhere.
I must learn to love the fool in me, the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries.
Image by Anthony Cheung
Sometimes I have to stand alone to prove that I can still stand.
I’m pretty sexy and I am taking my time deciding how I want my life to be and who I want to spend it with.
又輸了，還是乖乖聽話回醫院吧
August 29th, 2010 § 0
媽媽知道，我有一個致命傷。這世上，有這樣一個人，任何關於他的消息，都會令你悲愁垂涕，如墜冰窟。昨晚沒進急診，我已經謝天謝地了。
這個時刻，恭賀的話語「Congratulations」是最刺耳的，可以不講，就請大家不要再講了。女兒沒能爭氣，爸爸我對不起，既沒有做到女兒的德責，連份優異成績單也交不上去。遠道而來的母親，至少用她的眼睛，她的心，替您看到了我還算精彩的表演。
小時候練功的時候，我記得您曾嚴厲地喝過我。我也不明白，為甚麼有些訓話的字詞，像傷疤一樣，小孩子就可以烙印記住一輩子呢？那是一種體無完膚的感覺，幼年的我，就那麼不出色嗎？
也許那就是父親的內柔外剛，恨鐵不成鋼。我的母親也蠻能感動人的…
原本上月的亞姐準決賽，除了黑白大俠來替我照相以外，我沒有邀任何人來看我。在布廉後狼狽準備踏台的時候，一個眼神交會，見到我媽媽了！欣喜若狂，謝謝她特地從工作中抽身來捧我場。
昨晚總決賽，些少失望地捧到亞軍之後，一個遙遠卻熟悉的身影，突然地映入眼簾，差點令我休克。她也是我的媽媽，很想狠狠地擁抱卻不敢，那種愧疚感，厲過苦膽的苦。
兩份偉大的母愛，背後鐵骨錚錚的男人，難以啓齒的愛情故事，落下我這個迷失方向的小孩。
摘許願星星一般的姿勢，好可愛。只可惜近幾年的願望都不知怎的，灰飛煙滅。
雖然身高有限，但自我感覺還是良好的。副總裁葉生說「妳又輸了！」，但仍歡迎返歸香港發展。那我倒不至於蠢到要自費回香港去闖蕩，火焚了自己。人，不能越活越幼稚，世界不能越來越狹窄。
下個禮拜又是見醫生的日子，成績表交上，我應該估到他會怎樣安置我了。
見到她，我見到了爸爸
August 29th, 2010 § 0
與台下人群中的她，一個眼神交會，心裡「哃」地一跳，台下幾十部媒體相機，台上后冠閃耀，我眼淚飆了出來，崩潰地，我不可以不過去擁抱她。
這個擁抱，是我欠他們的。內心的愧疚與痛苦令我很難受，但我感激，終於終於有個機會，講出我想要說的。她是一個人來的，望著她的眼睛，我看到了親愛的爸爸。
一整日聽到最中聽的話，是頒獎台上一位人士走到我身邊說：
「妳好慘呀…」
雖然不曉他話中含義，只是這幾年來，覺得自己真的蠻慘的。折磨着，煎熬着，一直一直都只是想健康起來…
I hope that you hurt as much as we do.
August 27th, 2010 § 0
Faked that smile, flew away from Miss Asia press conference, headed to my doctor’s office. Done, as tears were running down my face, I sped home and cried, and cried, and cried.
This week was a cold, windy one, when Doris, her sister, and her father died and left our world so gray. At home, I became quiet, never making a sound.
For Mrs. Leung, no longer will she touch her husband and daughters’ faces. Losing a child is the worst hurt of all, and she has lost two of them. God, why was her family stolen from her arms when her faith in you was strong? Thank Goodness her son survived, or else a mother couldn’t walk this path alone. Every breath is a struggle.
There is an unstoppable rage inside my heart. “S.W.A.T.” of the Philippines, you took their body for your use. You said it was to protect them. But now I know that what happened to the victims wasn’t protection; it was abuse. All the outrageously imperceptible actions you did to them, won’t wash away with rain. Nothing on earth will rid their hearts of this never-ending pain.
I hope that you hurt as much as we do, or do you even remember what you did? Nothing will make up for the pain you caused. Now they are dead.
Everything slows in stillness.
What is this we see?
但願不久的明日會好起來
August 26th, 2010 § 0
悲劇不斷，但日子還是要繼續。明日亞姐記招，後日總決賽。當烏雲籠罩的時候，一票從香港遠道而來嘉賓、評審，和一班台前幕後的工作人員，還要強顏興奮地為8位佳麗盛裝出秀，好做出一場靚show。也真為難了他們。
我這邊，剛剛一把眼淚一把鼻涕地接受完對梁氏家境的報社訪問，放下電話，面視鏡子深吸一口氣，擺上一顆標準選美笑容，繼續練舞。情何以堪？
要做的事情還是要做，只是，當同窗母親備受喪夫喪女之痛，靠兒子的一線希望以堅毅撐下去的時候，我卻在這邊選美。唯有化悲痛與怨恨為力量。
梁太，我地撐妳，為罹難的人勇敢地活下去！我會永遠惦記妳美麗可愛的女兒。
菲國挾持事件中一位死難者，是我同學
August 25th, 2010 § 0
Doris Leung, you will be remembered and missed.
UTSC Concert Band member (clarinet, 08-09 season)
康泰團挾持事件死者中據報3人為加拿大籍，但我卻萬萬，萬萬沒有想到，她會是其中一員。她吹黑管，她是我們管樂團的才女，她斯文，她安靜，她有一個美麗的笑容。
One Lucky Lady
August 24th, 2010 § 0
If someday, a guy shows you this song, you are SO LOVED.
I may not remember you for the material things you provided, but for the feeling that you cherished me.